Jokes thread

[Pipster01]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.  After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'It's Jim, the midget.'

[superwoman11]

LOL

[Pipster01]

Go on Supes, post one of your own.  You know you want to (Pretend there's a hypnotic smiley here)

[Pipster01]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said, 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

[superwoman11]

Not a joke but couldn't think of anywhere else to put it:

A woman has strengths that amaze men
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens
She holds happiness , love and opinions
She smiles when she feels like screaming
She sings when she feels like crying ,
Cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid
Her love is unconditional!
there is only one thing wrong with her
SHE SOMETIMES FORGETS
WHAT SHE IS WORTH
pass this on to every beautiful
woman you know
i just did !

[Emma_Louise]

lol pipster
good ones

I love the scotsman, englishman and irishman jokes.
I was readin them earlier.



An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish! The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.
Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back"?

That one was my fave

[Emma_Louise]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairyturned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said: "A penguin."

[Pipster01]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.  Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'

[Pipster01]

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.  She went to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she saw him, she started wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushed up to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologized and explained that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returned to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulled back the curtain, Dorothy managed to smile through her tears as Albert was now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asked the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husbands size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".