Shipwrecked | Shipwrecked Episode 03 - Sunday 15th February 2009

EPG Description:

New arrivals Tom and Silkie, a self-confessed ladies man and a vegetarian activist, side with the Tiger camp after the discovery that the Sharks stole nails from their rival tribe at the last beach party!

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David O'Hara writing exclusively for GetShipwrecked...
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Another episode and there are another two arrivals, Tom and Silkie. Now this gets my goat already. 'Silkie'? Maybe her surname is 'Underwear' but there had better be a good reason for this - don't you hate it when people award themselves nicknames? And does anyone think Tom looks like Tarzan?

Both start the week Tigers, who have just seen last week's arrivals Andrew and Maz choose to live with the Sharks. The Tigers need to impress the new pair or they will start to fall well behind. So Sonny shows them the toilet. Tom admits he's been spoilt in his life so far and it shows immediately, he's not impressed with the standards on Tiger island, perhaps expecting something from Sylvanian Families or an Ewok Village. Blonde vegetarian Silkie gives Sonny a chance to try more chat-up lines around a romantic Tiger campfire, "Would you be sort of upset if you watched a chicken die?" That's one date he won't be taking her on.

Like Tom, Silkie would like to see better standards on Tiger island, particularly sleeping conditions. "How about some leaves on the floor and then some palm leaves on top?" suggests Hollie. I'm wondering where they have been sleeping until now that was worse than between two piles of leaves, on a load of rocks with a handful of crabs down their pyjamas perhaps?

Silkie has an aura about her. In fact, it's more like a big blur that covers her chest when she's doing an interview. Watch that space - I reckon the anarchist has chucked her bikini tops on the bonfire and is doing them topless.

Sonny and Liam are disappointed Tom is unimpressed with their efforts so far. Tarzan Tom is miffed there is only one dining area, so he asks if the two of them could 'build, like, a pub' using a couple of saws and a few bits of wood while he thinks up a few rules for everyone else to obey.

Sonny and Liam love the new fancy dress rules and jump at the chance to dress up like a couple of rejects from the Rocky Horror Show.

Meanwhile on Shark island there's a display of sub-standard male flesh. I think they must be running a Terrible Torso competition. Xanthi, wearing nothing but shorts, hat and sunglasses resembles a badly dressed Blues Brother. Andrew, possessor of the most peculiar paunch in the Pacific, clearly wouldn't know an abdominal crunch from a pub lunch and looks like he's just had a Caesarian.

Back among the Tigers, Liam and Sonny are desparate to do some nailing but can't find their tools. The penny drops, the shoddy Sharks have swiped them. "This is war" Liam says. "They are asking for trouble." Tough stuff but its hard to feel intimidated by a man wearing lipstick, lederhosen and a bow in his barnet. The new arrivals are not impressed with the Shark behaviour and make a vow to commit to the Tigers and avenge the theft on Shark island with sabotage. A revenge plan is hatched that makes the Israel's recent destruction of Gaza look like a flick on the ear on a winter morning. "Hide a tin of their rice pudding" suggests Liam. Sonny recommends forcing Maz to spend time with Nadejah. Tough stuff.

The Sharks are getting ready for their arrivals, working hard to get the camp ready. London layabout Nadejah explains to the camera she's not the slob Andrew suggests she is. "I don't mind building" says the lazy loudmouth, "I'm just not doing any today because I'm not in the mood."

Motormouth Mark explains he is bored with the Tigers. Hermione says "Would yo". Mark continues. Hermione says "Why don't w" but there's no stopping the speedy-speaking Scouser. Liam suggests something original and impossible - planning spontaneous fun. Hermione is left trying to get a word in while Hollie holds back the tears, for about five seconds.

Problems on Shark island. Maz has overheard Tarzan and Silkie discussing their sabotage action. How did that happen? Maybe her bikini top is hiding a long-range listening device cunningly disguised as a pair of boobs. The new arrivals announce their rules, designed to undermine morale in the Shark camp. Tarzan sends Maz and Nadejah on a wild fish chase together and appoints Xanthi his personal washer-woman. Nadejah isn't happy she might have to do some standing up for awhile to catch some fish. Does she think there's a Sainsbury's just around the corner or something?

Nadejah makes this show. She has clearly been selected to be the Jade Goody of Shipwrecked. Someone for everyone on the show to fall out with and everyone at home to laugh at. Nadejah decides to leave Maz to fish by herself and waddles off back to shore.

At nightfall, Tom and Silkie carry out their ruthless revenge. In a dastardly display of Machiavellian magnitude, Tom chucks a block of wood and some nails down the Sharks toilet. They then smash the Sharks mascot and chuck away half a tin of rice pudding. Hardly Dambusters is it?

Maz rumbles the impostors and accuses Tom. He keeps a straight face, refuses to respond to any allegations on camera and calmly walks away, reminiscent of a rumbled rip-off roofer from BBC Rogue Traders.

Tarzan and Silkie elect to live on Tiger island but as punishment for the Shark nail theft, lard-lover Xanthi is banished to Tiger island for one week. Mark announces he'd like to leave the Tigers to be reunited with Nadejah on Shark island, confirming his complaints he has missed her. How could anyone miss Nadejah? That's like missing an earache.

On paper it looks like the Sharks are still ahead. Though Tarzan and Silkie have joined Tigers, Xanthi will soon be returning and Mark has joined them. But with Andrew, Maz, Mark and Nadejah on the same island, conflict can't be far off, making Shark island a very unappealing prospect for future arrivals.

Oh and as for the two new arrivals, I expect Gregg will get along with Mackenzie as it appears neither knows how to use a razor. Francesca is fine but I can't see her fitting in on Shark island, a place already top-heavy with top-heavy glamour girls.