Week 6 on Shipwrecked Island as two new arrivals join the jobless wannabes in the South Pacific. I might mock these work-dodgers every week but at least their gallivanting keeps the unemployment figures down.


Lois is a gorgeous token Scot while Markus is a sponge operative from possibly Lancashire or south-central Los Angeles. I'm not quite sure and I don't think he is either. Much of Markus' time is spent talking like a suspect from a Police Academy film and the rest he sounds like something out of Last of the Summer Wine. Lois tells us people can think she is a pushover when she isn't at all - I reckon Nadejah could manage it though.

The two start off on Tiger Island, where Markus shocks the group by revealing he has no luxury items with him, believing a huge holiday that he doesn't have to pay for is luxury enough. Markus admits to a tough upbringing. This is all too much of a shock to her heiress Hermione, who probably thinks beggars are rich people on their way to audition for a part in Oliver and a rough ride is what you get when a champagne cork falls down your jodhpurs.

Last week we saw Greg make his way over to Shark Island where he is settling back in with the tribe. Greg seems sad his decision to leave might have upset the Tigers, "everywhere I go there's a trail of tears and destruction" - sorry but I didn't see either as the Tigers cheered all the way back to their island. What I do see though is more dodgy headgear from the coppery-coiffed Kentish cad. This bloke has got more bad hats than the Pope and seems to think tying a tow-rope around your forehead is a fashion statement. He's right, it's a statement you know nothing about fashion.

Despite joining the Tigers, Silkie has got a beef with them eating meat, more exactly, killing the island animals to eat them. Has she not seen the show before? Unnecessary slaughter accompanied by craven whooping is an annual occurrence on Shipwrecked, perhaps she meant to apply for The Weakest Link instead? Sonny (a frequenter of meat-markets I imagine) disagrees and is all for choking a chicken or roasting a pig.

The new arrivals decide Tiger Island needs more romance and the islanders are paired up for dinner dates.

On Shark Island we are told Dan and Doug are settling in. This is demonstrated by Dan sunbathing with the rest of the tribe while Doug runs around the island by himself, like a kid at a new school that can't find a toilet.

After a successful first night Lois and Markus are off to Shark Island where they are treated to a welcome dance from Mackenzie and Xanthi. I say 'dance' but these two are about as good at dancing as Sir Alan Sugar is at shaving. Imagine a drunken Thunderbird in 'Dancing on Ice' and you'll get the picture.

There's a hammer blow for Greg as he learns of Tom and Hermione's romantic kiss. Got to love the bloke for his honesty. Is there any feeling worse than seeing someone you've got the hots for start a relationship with someone else? At least he's not wearing the worst hat on Shark Island now that Markus has arrived in what looks like a reversible cricket hat/something nicked off a 19th century jungle explorer. For some reason that doesn't put Soodi off and it's clear there's another island romance on the way.

Maz tells the camera "Greg's fanciable but I'm not sure if I actually fancy him" accompanied by a face more sheepish than a Noel Edmonds jumper.

The rest of the show was fabricated reality TV tosh intended to hype new arrivals' island decision. Lois and Markus agree to choose Shark island but the producers decide that would put one team too far in front of another, they send Lois to Shark Island and Markus to Tigers. That leaves Soodi to nominate over to Tigers to neaten the scores up and keep us all interested in the competition.

Risers:
Greg - really took to him for his honesty and open nature
Lois - looks AND brains, always a good combo and one you don't find often in reality TV

Fallers:
Mark - if I hear him say "I didn't realise we wouldn't have matches" one more time...
TheShowItself - what's the point if arrivals can't really decide which island to live on?
Hermione's knickers

I know exactly how you feel!